Facebook Commandments

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. So I thought it would be fun to wrote a set of “commandments for Facebook.” Here they are, the Facebook Commandments

1. Thou shalt not make multiple postings during the course of the day. Thinkest thou that thine friends really careth that much about thee? Nay, delude not thyself. Even worse, thinkest thou that thine life is so unique and different from thine friends that it should warrant thou posting such things as when when thou eatest, when thou sleepeth, or when thou chooseth to grow thy facial hair? Knowest not thou that thine friends careth not and would prefer then to de-friend thee other than they lovest thou thee and wish not to offend thee. Cease thou from thine obnoxious ways. Besides that, carest thou that thine friends doest likewise and eateth, washeth, and taketh their breaks? If thou wishes not that thine friends post ever detail of their lives, why thinkest thou that they want to see you posting every detail of your life? Do thou unto others as thou wisheth they would do unto thee.

2. Thou shalt not post multiple graven images of thine offspring multiple times throughout the day, and certainly thou shalt not post these graven images multiple times throughout the week, thus compounding thine transgressions. Think not that thou friends desireth to see everything thine offspring doeth. Yea, they are precious in thine sight, but unto thine neighbors and friends they are not so precious. Indeed, they lovest not thine offspring as much as thou doest. Indeed, thine Facebook friend longest that thou would cease posting hundreds of updates per week concerning thine offspring.

3. Thou shalt not give a minute-by-minute update of thine day. Reflect and pounder upon this: doest thou wisheth to know when all thine friends are having a break, or sitting in the parking lot, or eating a sandwich, or reading a book, or washing themselves? Woe be unto you if thou thinkest thine friends desire to know such things of thee. Thou art truly deceived if thou thinkest such. Repent. Thine friends wishest that thou would stop such wickedness.

4. When thou hast had, or even yea now, thou art experiencing deep affections and longing for thine spouse or significant other, or thou hast fulfilled said longings, thou shalt not post it. Keep it to thineself, please. Verily, verily, I say unto you, thou shalt remember the foolishness of those who dwell next to you, who populate the parks and shopping centers and public places, and thou shalt remember that even in thine own eyes the public display of affection is repulsive, yea even repugnant. Thinkest thou that it is cute when thou doest the same on Facebook? Thinkest thou not. It is an abomination unto thine friends.

5. If thou hast ought against thine neighor or thine kin, leave thou thine Facebook page and talketh unto thine kin or thine friends directly. Verily, Verily, I say to you: talk to them face to face and do not vent thine spleen upon Facebook. For truly, thou shalt not post thine relational conflicts upon Facebook. For thou, when thou doest such things, embarrass thineself even to the point that thou seemeth unto thy friends as a fool or a child.

6. If thou art prone to being negative or critical, go seeth a counselor and stay off of Facebook. Pollute not thine friends with thine constant negativity, belly-aching, and whining. Get thou a life. Get thou over it lest thou die with it. Thinkest thou that such actions shall engender compassion and sympathy for thee? Thinkest thou not! For truly, truly, thine friends desirest that thou would stop it.

7. When thou comest into the land of Facebook and thou shalt find on this site many games and applications, thou shalt not be a nuisance unto thine friends. Many, no yea most, of thine friends longeth not for thee to send unto them request or invites or any other such foolishness, non-sense, and time-wasters. What thou playest, play unto thineself. Seek not to corrupt thine friends by bothering them with such things. They do not appreciate it. Thou mayest find them worthwhile and entertaining, but thine friends, they do not. They have a life.

8. If thou post upon Facebook only to advance thine own agenda, woe be unto you. Readest not thou thine friends posting? Keepest up thou not with those thou claimest to love? Woe upon you. Eventually thine friends will weary of thee when they realize that thou usesth others and not that thou lovest others. It is, after all, a social network.

9. If thou art having a hard time sleeping, unplugging, or relaxing: Get off Facebook. It shall surely be there when thou returnest.

10. Be not offended at the author of these commandments. He lovest thou thee and wishes thee to be fruitful and effective in all that thou doest. If thou art offended, it is only because thou art a transgressor. Repent and thy friends will love thee with everlasting love and may actually start reading again thine postings.