Confessions of a former pastor.

Since I resigned pastoring five years ago to give myself full time to missions work I have experienced a number of moments where I realized my perspective has changed tremendously. And then in some ways it has not changed at all, it has become even more focused. It is true, “Where you stand depends on where you sit.” Today, I no longer sit in the pastor’s chair and I am shocked at times to see how differently I see things.

Debbie and I pastored one church for some 23 years. During that time my greatest dream and ambition was to make a kingdom difference in the lives of our flock, our community and our world.

I wanted a big church with a huge ministry footprint, all for the glory of God of course. But things didn’t go that way. We were never a large church. At our peak we had 226 people. Trust me, I know the number. I counted noses. I wanted the ushers to count anything that moved. I wanted to have a kingdom impact and that would certainly be verifiable through counting noses. I was even tempted to count ears. I figured our numbers would almost double if we did that. It is shameful, I confess.

When I look back on those years I realize now that I had an opportunity to make a significant Kingdom impact that would have been counted by the only one who counts. But my motives were mixed.  I was broken. I am still broken and my motives are still mixed.

I wanted more people and more resources to do more things. Now, as a missionary leader and advocate, I think back at how much we wasted on things that did not matter to the Kingdom but mattered to the religious system I had not only bought into.

We were a successful small/mid-sized church in a small town. We rented a building. I had a secretary. I thought it sounded great to tell someone who wanted to meet with me, “Talk with Janet, she will set something up.” Having a personal administrative assistant was a real sign of kingdom success. It just had to be; it felt so good to say it.

Now, as a missionary leader and advocate, I see things very differently. And how I weep over all my lost opportunities to have made a true kingdom impact.

Now, I am the Foursquare Missions International Area Missionary to Europe. I serve the 49 nations and territories that make up the region of Europe. I think of the forty-nine nations and territories that need Church planters. I think of the missionaries who need support. I think of the national pastors who are laboring in one of the most resistant regions in the world. Our church could have played a greater role in serving the incredible harvest. Instead, I was so focused on my own church that I did not always see the field, the harvest, the need, and the potential. This I confess.

“The field is the world” (Mt 13:38). The church is not the field. The church is the Body of Christ. The church is the light of the world. The church is the city set on a hill. The Church is God’s answer to human suffering and sin. The church is equipped and resourced by God through the Word and the Spirit to meet every need the field has. I could have led our church to be a great resource to reach the field. Instead, I led our church to consume more than 85% of all its efforts and finances on things that benefited itself and not those for whom Christ came to save. Jesus did not die to give pastors a career or Christians nice buildings. I confess, I led in a manner unworthy of the Gospel.

Over the last few weeks I have felt a stirring in my heart, a word burning in my bones, and I know not how to respond to it nor how to contain it. I want to see the local church released to be a force in the earth: A church that sees itself as the hem of His garment and not as the bleeding woman.

I don’t know what I would do if I were called back the United States to pastor a church. I don’t know how I would lead it now. I don’t know how I would balance the needs of the field with the needs of the local church. But this I know, I have been profoundly impacted by serving a mission that has produced over 68,000 churches around the world with very few people and very little money. The harvest is ripe.

What would happen if a church decided to throw open the doors of its storehouse to the fields in need? I was deeply impacted one day while attending a wedding at Wabash Presbyterian Church in Auburn, Washington. It was a hot summer day. We were all sweating, fanning ourselves trying to stay cool. The pastor stood on the platform and said something to the effect of, “Folks, thanks for enduring the heat in this building. You see, this church has made a serious commitment to missions. We give one half of our tithes and offerings to missions. When we built this beautiful new building we had to make a choice between air conditioning and missions, and we chose missions.”

I am not sure what the answer is. I am not sure what I would do if I were to pastor again. But I do know that more of the same will only give us more of the same.

Pastors have a hard job, and it is getting harder every day. I do not want to add to their pain and I celebrate their hearts’ desire to make a significant impact for the kingdom of God. All I know is desperate times require bold action. And we are in desperate times these days.

Lift up your eyes and look. The harvest is ripe….