How To Lose Friends and Influence No One.

It is true: You can have a life no one dreams about. You can drift through life thinking you are a victim of some cosmic conspiracy.

You can exchange your personal power and responsibility for a life of blame and excuses. I will show you how.

I will show you how to be miserable and even make others miserable. Using these simple techniques I will show you how to be the emotional version of the plague. People will flee from you as soon as they see you coming.

Yes, my friends, today is your day to discover How to Lose Friends and Influence No One. Just follow these simple practices, they work every time.

1. Be ungrateful.

Saying “Thank you” is over-rated! No one needs to hear it from you. You are too important to be bothered but such trivial things as appreciating love and life. And remember, everyone will be ungrateful for your ungratefulness. Everyone loves a moocher.

2. Believe the worse in others.

If you want to lose friends and influence no one, you must believe the worse in others. After all, they have hidden agendas and blatant weaknesses. They do not measure up to your standard of who they should be. Let them know you think so lowly of them. Everyone loves to be belittled. You can nag them into conforming to your belittling ways. Try it.

3. Demand from others what you should do for yourself.

Tired of carrying your own load? Tired of personal responsibility? I don’t blame you. Other people should pay your bills, make your connections, do your laundry, and improve your life. Every person in your life should be some version of the Publishers Clearing House grand prize. They owe you.

4. Inflate your importance.

Take a minute and think of just how much better the world would be if others were more like you. Yes, you are a big deal. It is OK that your thoughts and conversations are filled with selfies, everyone should know just how important you are.

5. Feel like you must prove yourself.

What do those saps at the corporate office know? And your in-laws, they are even worse! They don’t know what it takes for someone like you to survive. You know they talk about you. You must prove them wrong. You have something to prove even when no one else thinks this. It could all be a figment of your over-active imagination, but that is OK, you feel you must prove yourself, so do it. Remember, a chip on the shoulder indicates wood higher up.

6. “Use” others so you can succeed.

Be nice and helpful to the people you think can help you get ahead. Schmooze your way to the top. Take advantage of others before they take advantage of you. They are just tools to help you fulfill your personal needs.

7. Blame others.

You are the victim! You could accomplish so much if it were not for the people around you who keep messing things up. Go ahead; blame others. We love it when people do that. Look at politicians, they do it all the time and we keep electing them. Don’t you want to be just like them?

8. Make excuses for yourself.

The sun was in your eyes. You had a bad night’s sleep. You cannot get promoted because you have a stupid boss. You could be happy if it were not for your wife/husband/children/job/dog/neighbor or flat feet. You know it: when it comes to making excuses you are one of the best.

9. Be stingy. 

If you want to lose friends and influence no one, you must excel at being stingy. We all love misers. When it is your funeral your friends, neighbors, and family will walk past your casket saying, “He was the stingiest man I ever knew. He never complimented anyone and he never helped out when we needed him.” This can be you if you try hard and put these lessons to work. But then again, if you put these lessons to work most likely no one will be at your funeral anyway. So forget about what they might say because they probably won’t be there to say it.

10. Refuse to listen and learn.

People who know “How to Lose Friends and Influence No One” stick to their guns no matter what: They never listen and they learn. Why should you listen to people you disagree with? Just ignore them. You are right. Never let the truth sway you from your opinion. Who has time for that? So what if you have the same problem again and again, that is everyone else’s fault. Don’t listen to the old proverb, “If Bob has a problem with everyone Bob has the problem.” That is for someone else.

There you have it folks. This is “How to Lose Friends and Influence No One”.

It is advice so bad no one should follow it, but they do.

It is advice so bizarre no one should believe it, but they do.

This way of thinking is so twisted someone would have to be insane to live like this, but sane people live this way every day.

Your life is too valuable for such unworthy living.

These destructive thought patterns must be named for what they are, exposed to the light of God’s Word, thrown out, and sent back to the destroyer from which they came.

Now, let’s get going. Life is waiting for you.

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