This post is taken from chapter five of my forthcoming book, “Following Wisdom, Leading Wisely: Proverbs as Ancient Wisdom for Today’s Leader.” Publication date to be determined.
“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”
Proverbs 16:18
The temptation of pride and self-exaltation are real for everyone, regardless of their stage or station in life. It is especially dangerous for leaders. When pride becomes a stronghold in a leader, it becomes hubristic or narcissistic behavior that is destructive not only for the leader as an individual, but also for the whole organization.
Hubris is a grandiose sense of self, characterized by disrespectful attitudes toward others and a misperception of one’s place in the world. Although hubrists share grandiosity with narcissists, hubris is more than a manifestation of pathological narcissism; it is an acquired condition caused when an individual attains a position of significant power and then overestimates their abilities and significance and is then empowered by a lack of constraints within the organization on how a leader exercises power. Hubris is a reactive disorder that grows to fruition when an unhealthy leader obtains power in an unhealthy organizational system.[1]
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of 10 personality disorders recognized in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.[2] The hallmark signs of NPD read like laundry list of what not to look for in a significant other: An inflated sense of self-importance, grandiosity, self-absorption, vanity, a lack of empathy for others, and a deep, incessant need for constant attention, adulation, and power.
Research presented to the American Association of Christian Counselors in 2015 found that pastors are 500-3000% more likely to be narcissistic than the general population.[3] You read that correctly, 500-3000%. According to the research, the ministerial profession attracts individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a way to supply their psychological needs. The authors assert, “ministry attracts narcissists for the same reasons that elementary schools and playgrounds attract pedophiles: these institutions provide access to victims.”[4] Clinical psychologist and neurotheologian James Wilder states, “Virtually all Christians will experience a narcissistic pastor during their lifetime.”[5] Ball and Puls research found that 30-90% of churches in the Western world are run by narcissists. Using this information, Wilder concluded that because of the pervasiveness of narcissistic leaders in pastoral ministry, Christian churches are to a significant extent “unable to recognize personality disorders and may even find these disorders desirable in leaders.”[6]
What is desired in a man is steadfast love
Proverbs 19:22
In The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders and Ourselves, James Wilder asserts that narcissists “seem to lack something needed to be fully human. Scripture says that what is missing is ‘hesed.’”[7] Hesed is a Hebrew often translated as steadfast love, kindness, faithfulness, and loyalty. The core idea of this term relates to loyalty within a relationship. In relation to the concept of love, it denotes God’s faithfulness to his people.[8] This word is used in Proverbs 19:22, “What is desired in a man is steadfast love.” Wilder describes hesed as attachment love. “Attachment love is the kind of force that can form and transform character.”[9] Wilder argues throughout the book that attachment love lived out in community is the solution to overcoming narcissism.
It is this absence of community, Wilder argues, that causes professional counseling to have limited or no success in treating narcissists because counseling is almost exclusively done in the absence of a community. Transformation cannot be done alone. It requires a community rooted in hesed. The fundamental human community is the family. The foundational relationship in a family is the husband and wife.
The New Testament equivalent to hesed is agape. Agape signifies the true and pure love of the Father for his Son (Jn 17:26), his people (Gal 6:10), and for all humanity (Jn 3:16; Rom 5:8). The Bible declares the very nature of God is love (1 Jn 4:8, 16). Love is the law of the New Covenant (Rom 13:8-13). When we walk in love we are walking in the light (1 Jn 2:10). When you betray the law of love, you enter into the darkness of self-deception.[10] Your view of reality becomes distorted because when you turned away from the light of walking in love and now darkness and deception cloud your heart and mind. You begin to see the world in a way that justifies yourself and condemns others. This is what John is talking about in 1 John 2:9-11, “Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.”
Here is an example of what I mean. Let’s say you come home at the end of a long and exhausting day of work, as you enter your house your wife says, “Honey, before you take your shoes off, could you run to the store to pick up some bread and milk.” You have a choice to make: Will you choose the law of love, or will you betray it? If you choose the law of love, your response will be something like, “Yes, why of course.” You are happy to serve your wife and family this way. Off you go to the market. You might even pick up some flowers or chocolate for your wife to express your love and appreciation for her.
If, on the other hand, you decide to betray the law of love, you will enter the darkness of self-deception. You begin to think of yourself as the victim of your wife’s laziness, “why couldn’t she go to the store? Doesn’t she realize how hard I work to provide for this family, and she has the nerve to want me to go to the store. She doesn’t appreciate all I do for her.” The whole time you are sulking around the supermarket, you are exaggerating her faults and magnifying your virtues. This is what happens when you betray hesed/agape.
The depth of heart-change caused by a marriage rooted in hesed/agape helps root out self-exaltation, hubris, and narcissistic tendencies in leadership. In order for the marriage relationship to become a healing community, it is required that both spouses are committed to health and wholeness as individuals and as a couple. It is for this reason, I believe, that Proverbs celebrates both the man and the woman of noble character. Both the noble husband and the noble wife are equally committed to following the path of wisdom, feasting at wisdom’s banquet, and listening to wisdom’s voice. Following the way of wisdom in marriage will bring healing to this most fundamental of all relationships that in turn heals the wound of sin and the lust for self-exaltation that seeks to rule the heart.
[1] Asad, Sarosh, and Eugene Sadler-Smith. “Differentiating Leader Hubris and Narcissism on the Basis of Power.” Leadership 16, no. 1 (February 2020): 39–61. https://doi.org/10.1177/1742715019885763.
[2] Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition Text Revision: DSM-5-TR. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association Publishing, 2022.
[3] Ball, R. Glenn, and Darrell Puls. “Frequency of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Pastors: A …” Accessed June 7, 2022. https://cardinalcaregroup.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/AACC_2015_Paper_NPD_in_Pastors-1.pdf.
[4] Ball and Puls.
[5] Wilder, James. The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders and Ourselves. Carmel: Deeper Walk International, 2018, 17.
[6] Ibid.
[7] Wilder, James. The Pandora Problem: Facing Narcissism in Leaders and Ourselves. Carmel: Deeper Walk International, 2018, 16.
[8] R. P. Nettelhorst, “Love,” in Lexham Theological Wordbook, ed. Douglas Mangum et al., Lexham Bible Reference Series (Bellingham, WA: Lexham Press, 2014).
[9] Wilder, p. 20.
[10] 1 Jn 1:5-2:11
Debbie and I serve as the FMI Global Associate Director for MENACA and Europe. We focus on cultivating disciples, leaders, and church planting movements.
